Using Books to Talk to Kids about Donor Conception

If you're a parent through donor conception, you've probably thought about using books to talk to your child about their origin story. Family building with donor gametes and embryos is complex. Discussions about donor conception span a range of themes, such as family structures, relationships, reproduction, genetics, siblings, emotions, sense of self, and more. As a recipient parent, I understand the desire to find the "perfect" book to help explain donor conception to children. The reality is that no single book can cover all aspects of donor conception for your family perfectly!

What does the research say?

An evaluation of the Donor Conception Network children's books showed that parents typically begin using the books very early in their children's lives, with most (77%) starting before age 2 (Harper, 2022). Mothers were most often the primary readers (43%), though in many families (36%) both parents read together, typically about once per month (Harper, 2022). Parents noted that the books helped give children the vocabulary to discuss and ask questions.

Mac Dougall et al. (2007) found that many parents struggle to find books that address their specific family situation and perceive books as too advanced for their young children. Schwartz-DuPre and Sowards (2023) critiqued existing children’s books about donor conception for often reflecting privileged, white, and affluent families while omitting racial and financial barriers in assisted reproductive technology processes. They also note that many books often portray mothers as sad or incomplete without children, perpetuating societal expectations around motherhood. Donors are depicted as anonymous gift-givers, downplaying the financial and emotional complexities of donor conception. Animals and non-human characters frequently portray family roles, simplifying the complex realities of donor conception.

Potential best practices for using books emerge from several studies. According to Strouse et al. (2018), children transfer information better from books with realistic pictures rather than cartoonish illustrations, and from stories featuring human characters rather than anthropomorphized animals. The research suggests books work best when they present information in realistic contexts that children can readily connect to their own lives. Freeman-Carroll (2016) notes that book discussions can evolve as children develop, beginning with basic (but accurate) language about reproduction and kinship, progressing to questions about biology and genetics, and eventually addressing identity and self in young adulthood.

My take on using kid’s books to talk about donor conception

Reading is a gentle way to introduce subjects that can feel challenging or overwhelming for adults to talk about, and helps kids (and their parents!) feel more comfortable talking about them. It’s important to build a diverse library that reflects a variety of concepts that can come up in conversations with your child.

My advice for building a library:

• Instead of searching for a single comprehensive book, build a small collection that addresses different aspects of donor conception—family structures, genetics, identity, and emotional journeys.

• Prioritize stories told from the child's perspective or that honor the child's experience rather than the parents.

• Select books that normalize curiosity and validate a range of emotions children might feel.

• Choose books with accurate, developmentally appropriate terminology and clear comparisons relevant to your child's understanding. When children learn the correct terms early, they are less likely to feel misled or confused later. Remember you can adapt content by simplifying text or adding explanations while reading.

• Ensure the content normalizes donor conception as one of many ways families come together.

• Look for narratives that offer children flexible language options to describe their own situation.

• Seek books that acknowledge the diversity within donor conception experiences.

• Choose books that demonstrate open conversation about similarities, differences, and connections.

• Look for content that normalizes wondering about elements of identity.

Some of my red flags when considering books about donor conception include:

• Books that emphasize parental feelings and experiences (e.g., statements about how much treatment cost, how hard the process was, or how sad parents were not to have a child). 

• Books that generalize how “all” donor-conceived people, parents, or donors feel or suggest there is only one right way to talk about donor conception (e.g., statements that suggest that all donor-conceived people should be thankful or insist on using only one term to describe the donor or siblings). 

• Books that discourage children from being curious and exploring their own ideas and feelings about donor conception (e.g., statements that discourage the child from thinking about the donor or describe the person as “just a donor”). 

• Books that rely heavily on metaphors or misleading language (e.g., statements about the donor as an angelic helper, sperm as "magic seeds”, or the child as a gift to the parents). 

• Books that focus too heavily on white, cishet imagery and narratives. 

Books I Keep In Rotation

If you think a book is missing from my list, let me know. I’ll try to get my hands on it for a review and audience testing with my own kids.

• Conception

  • What Makes A Baby (Silverberg) - Every family should have this book. It’s a great way to introduce donors, parents, and others as part of a conception and birth story. Great for babies and up!

  • It’s Not The Stork (Harris) - This encyclopedia-style book for ages 4 and up is comprehensive, but it doesn’t cover how eggs and sperm contain genes or mention donors.

  • Making A Baby (Greener) - Another encyclopedia-style book great for curious kindergarteners and up. It does mention donors in a passive way as a source of eggs and sperm.

• Gamete Donation

  • A Note: There are so many books out there about donor conception. Most of them were lovingly written by a parent trying to explain donor conception to their own child (while processing their own grief), making them hyper-specific to their family. Most of the books have red flags for me. When I feel like I can recommend a book to any family built through donor conception, then the book goes on my list.

  • A Kids Book About Donor Conception (Hovish) This book is about donor-conceived people, written by a donor-conceived person! (The DCP who wrote it hasn’t been interested in contacting the donor their family used. I wish we had a similar book from someone who was more curious about their genetic roots.) There are no pictures, so this book is not particularly suited for younger children, but parents can read it to gain language and perspective.

  • Your Family: A Donor Kid’s Story (Kramer) - A little dense but accurate and thorough. Includes an explanation of donor siblings. I began reading it in sections to my oldest when she was three.

  • Zak’s Safari (Tyner) - A two-mom + one kid donor conception story that is fun for all families and all ages!

  • My Donor Story (Leya) - A collection of children's books that explains donor conception. There are 25 variations broken down by family type, then boy or girl character, followed by type of conception. Good for all ages.

  • Daddy, What is an Embryo (Quarles) - I really appreciate how this book describes embryos and weaves in egg donation. However, at the end, the book uses gift language, doesn’t validate curiosity about the donor, and emphasizes the parents’ desires. I keep it on the shelf with my hand-written edits. Good for all ages.

  • Our Story: How We Became a Family (Donor Conception Network) - A collection of children’s books that explain donor conception. There are a multitude of versions. There are a few things I’d change (like the use of seed rather than sperm) but I’d still recommend them. Note that they originated in the UK where most donation is altruistic.

  • Wish, Miracle, Me (Coad) - This book is a powerful poem written from the perspective of a donor-conceived teen. I can’t wait to share it with my kids to spark conversation about family, identity, belonging, and resilience.

• Donor Siblings

  • Your Family: A Donor Kid’s Story (Kramer) - A little dense but accurate and thorough. Includes an explanation of donor siblings. I began reading it in sections to my oldest when she was three.

  • I haven’t found a book just about siblings I like yet. My Extra Special Leaves (Wright) and I’ve Got Dibs (Dorfman) both use the term “diblings”, which is controversial. They also incorporate many of the red flags I mentioned above. Meeting My Brother (Dukoff) is sweet, but it doesn’t really explain what it means to be related by genes.

• Family 

  • A Family Like Ours (Murphy/Lee) - “Everyone's family is unique--and good! From sprawling extended families and close-knit units to adopted and chosen families, A Family Like Ours celebrates all those important connections we build over the years. Regardless of what yours looks like, family is a place for support, safety, growth, and inspiration.”

  • And That’s Their Family (Coleman) - “This book celebrates and represents the following family structures: Two Moms, Two Dads, Single Parents, Living with Grandmas, Living with Grandpas, Adoptive Families, Living with Aunts, Living with Uncles, Foster Families, Living with Sisters, Living with Brothers, Group Homes, Stepdads, Stepmoms, Moms and Dads, Nonbinary Parents, Poly families, and Divorced/Separated Families! There are blank pages at the end of the book to draw your own family and draw a family different from yours!”

  • Family Forest (Quinlan) - “Come on a visually intriguing, engaging and whimsical journey alongside woodland animals as they show us what family is. Written to provide adults with a tool to start and continue conversations around the evolving landscape of family. There is no right or wrong way to have a family. Family is about choice and the gifts it gives us - ones that we cannot buy or see or touch. Family is not JUST a tree. Family is a forest.”

  • Others: Oddbird’s Chosen Family (Desierto)

• Genetics

  • The Secret Code Inside You (LaRocca)

• Identity 

  • Maybe (Yamada)

  • Who Am I? (Bunting)

  • I Am Me: A Book of Authenticity (Verde)

• Other

  • My Family and Me: An Inclusive Family Tree Activity (Hutchinson) - This workbook doesn’t explicitly mention donor conception, but it’s very well designed. The first half of the book focuses on the child. The second part is far more inclusive than other family tree books. 

  • First Conversations - Topic-driven book series offers clear, concrete language and beautiful imagery that young children can grasp and adults can leverage for further discussion. Topics include race, gender, love, justice, grief, consent, and bodies. 

  • The Circles All Around Us (Montague) - Concepts of community 

  • The Rabbit Listened (Doerrfeld) - Empathy and emotions

  • How Do You Love (Byrnes) - Ways and types of loving

  • I Love You When You’re Angry (Winters) - attachment and emotions

  • Why Mama Needs A Break (Garber) - parents as humans 

Citations

Freeman-Carroll, N. (2016). The possibilities and pitfalls of talking donor conception with donor egg: Why parents struggle and how clinicians can help. Journal of Infant, Child, & Adolescent Psychotherapy, 15(1), 40-50.

Harper, J. C., Abdul, I., Barnsley, N., & Ilan-Clarke, Y. (2022). Telling donor-conceived children about their conception: Evaluation of the use of the Donor Conception Network children's books. Reproductive BioMedicine and Society Online, 14, 1-7.

Mac Dougall, K., Becker, G., Scheib, J. E., & Nachtigall, R. D. (2007). Strategies for disclosure: How parents approach telling their children that they were conceived with donor gametes. Fertility and Sterility, 87(3), 524-533.

Schwartz-DuPre, R. L., & Sowards, S. K. (2024). Donors and disclosures: Rhetorical explanations of assisted reproductive technology and parenthood in children’s literature. In S. Haynes (Ed.), Refiguring motherhood beyond biology. Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781003311799-9

Strouse, G. A., Nyhout, A., & Ganea, P. A. (2018). The role of book features in young children's transfer of information from picture books to real-world contexts. Frontiers in Psychology, 9(50), 1-14. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00050