Using Books to Talk to Kids about Donor Conception

If you're a parent through donor conception, you've probably thought about using books to talk to your child about their origin story. I understand the difficulty of the quest to find the "perfect" book to help explain donor conception to children.

Family building with donor gametes and embryos is complex. Discussions about donor conception span a range of themes, such as family structures, relationships, reproduction, genetics, siblings, emotions, sense of self, and more. The reality is that no single book can cover all aspects of donor conception for your family perfectly!

What does the research say?

An evaluation of the Donor Conception Network children's books showed that parents typically begin using the books very early in their children's lives, with most (76.9%) starting before age 2 (Harper et al., 2022). Mothers were most often the primary readers (42.6%), though in many families (36.1%) both parents read together, typically about once per month (Harper et al., 2022). Parents noted that the books helped give children the vocabulary to discuss and ask questions.

Mac Dougall et al. (2007) found that many parents struggle to find books that address their specific family situation and perceive books as too advanced for their young children. Schwartz-DuPre and Sowards (2023) critiqued existing children’s books about donor conception for often reflecting privileged, white, and affluent families while omitting racial and financial barriers in assisted reproductive technology processes. They also note that many books often portray mothers as sad or incomplete without children, perpetuating societal expectations around motherhood. Donors are depicted as anonymous gift-givers, downplaying the financial and emotional complexities of donor conception. Animals and non-human characters frequently portray family roles, simplifying the complex realities of donor conception.

Potential best practices for using books emerge from several studies. According to Strouse et al. (2018), children transfer information better from books with realistic pictures rather than cartoonish illustrations, and from stories featuring human characters rather than anthropomorphized animals. The research suggests books work best when they present information in realistic contexts that children can readily connect to their own lives. Freeman-Carroll (2016) notes that book discussions can evolve as children develop, beginning with basic (but accurate) language about reproduction and kinship, progressing to questions about biology and genetics, and eventually addressing identity and self in young adulthood.

My take on using kid’s books to talk about donor conception

Reading is a gentle way to introduce subjects that can feel challenging or overwhelming for adults to talk about, and helps kids (and their parents!) feel more comfortable talking about them. It’s important to build a diverse library that reflects a variety of concepts that can come up in conversations with your child.

I look for books with these characteristics:

• Rather than looking for one perfect book, find several that each focus on a particular aspect of donor conception, such as family structures, genetics, or navigating emotions. 

• Prioritize stories that focus on the child’s feelings and experiences rather than parental hardships or difficult feelings.

• Use simple but accurate words and comparisons that align with your child’s development. When children learn the correct terms early, they are less likely to feel misled or confused later. Remember, you can adapt an almost perfect book by simplifying text or adding explanations as you’re reading.

• Show that families come in all shapes and size and that donor conception is a common and valid way to build a family.

• Have age-approriate design. Younger kids do well with sturdy board books with bright colors, minimal text, and playful interaction. Flexible, paper books with more complex narratives are better suited for older children. Across the age groups, look for engaging and enticing illustrations paired with language that feels clear, carefully chosen, and right for your individual child.

• Offer a range of experiences of donor-conceived people, parents, or donors and offer children options for language. 

• Include language that models curiosity, like finding similarities and differences and wondering about the future. 

Some of my red flags when considering books about donor conception include:

• Books that emphasize parental feelings and experiences (e.g., statements about how much treatment cost, how hard the process was, or how sad parents were to not have a child). 

• Books that generalize how “all” donor-conceived people, parents, or donors feel or suggest there is only one right way to talk about donor conception (e.g., statements that suggest that all donor-conceived people should be thankful or insist on using only one term to describe the donor or siblings). 

• Books that discourage children from being curious and exploring their own ideas and feelings about donor conception (e.g., statements that discourage the child from thinking about the donor or describe the person as “just a donor”). 

• Books that rely heavily on metaphors or misleading language (e.g., statements about the donor as an angelic helper, sperm as "magic seeds”, or the child as a gift to the parents). 

• Books that focus too heavily on white, cishet imagery and narratives. 

Books I Keep In Rotation

If you think a book is missing from my list, let me know. I’ll try to get my hands on it for a review and audience testing with my own kids.

• Conception

  • What Makes A Baby (Silverberg) - Every family should have this book. It’s a great way to introduce donors, parents, and others as part of a conception and birth story. 

• Gamete Donation

  • A Note: There are so many books out there about donor conception. Most of them were lovingly written by a parent trying to explain donor conception to their own child, making them hyper specific to their family. Most of the books have red flags for me. When I feel like I can recommend a book to any family built through donor conception, then the book goes on my list.

  • A Kids Book About Donor Conception (Hovish) This is a book about donor-conceived people, written by a donor-conceived person! (The DCP who wrote it hasn’t been interested in contacting the donor their family used. I wish we had a similar book from someone who was more curious about their genetic roots.)

  • Your Family: A Donor Kid’s Story (Kramer) - Thorough and mentions siblings. 

  • Zak’s Safari (Tyner) - A two-mom + one kid donor conception story that is fun for all families!

  • My Donor Story (Leya) - A series of children's books that explains donor conception. There are 25 variations broken down by family type, then boy or girl character, followed by type of conception.

  • Daddy, What is an Embryo (Quarles) - I really appreciate how this book describes embryos and weaves in egg donation. However, at the end, the book uses gift language, doesn’t validate curiosity about the donor, and emphasizes the parents’ desires. I’ll keep it on the shelf with my edits.

  • Sibling-focused: My Extra Special Leaves (Wright), I’ve Got Dibs (Dorfman) (Note: Both use the term “diblings”, which is controversial) 

• Family 

  • A Family Like Ours (Murphy/Lee) - “Everyone's family is unique--and good! From sprawling extended families and close-knit units to adopted and chosen families, A Family Like Ours celebrates all those important connections we build over the years. Regardless of what yours looks like, family is a place for support, safety, growth, and inspiration.”

  • And That’s Their Family (Coleman) - “This book celebrates and represents the following family structures: Two Moms, Two Dads, Single Parents, Living with Grandmas, Living with Grandpas, Adoptive Families, Living with Aunts, Living with Uncles, Foster Families, Living with Sisters, Living with Brothers, Group Homes, Stepdads, Stepmoms, Moms and Dads, Nonbinary Parents, Poly families, and Divorced/Separated Families! There are blank pages at the end of the book to draw your own family and draw a family different from yours!”

  • Others: Oddbird’s Chosen Family (Desierto)

• Genetics

  • The Secret Code Inside You (LaRocca)

• Identity 

  • Maybe (Yamada)

  • Who Am I? (Bunting)

  • I Am Me: A Book of Authenticity (Verde)

• Other

  • My Family and Me: An Inclusive Family Tree Activity (Hutchinson) - This workbook doesn’t explicitly mention donor conception, but it’s very well designed. The first half of the book focuses on the child. The second part is far more inclusive than other family tree books. 

  • First Conversations - Topic-driven book series offers clear, concrete language and beautiful imagery that young children can grasp and adults can leverage for further discussion. Topics include race, gender, love, justice, grief, consent, and bodies. 

  • The Circles All Around Us (Montague) - Concepts of community 

  • The Rabbit Listened (Doerrfeld) - Empathy and emotions

  • How Do You Love (Byrnes) - Ways and types of loving

  • I Love You When You’re Angry (Winters) - attachment and emotions

  • Why Mama Needs A Break (Garber) - parents as humans 

Citations

Freeman-Carroll, N. (2016). The possibilities and pitfalls of talking donor conception with donor egg: Why parents struggle and how clinicians can help. Journal of Infant, Child, & Adolescent Psychotherapy, 15(1), 40-50.

Harper, J. C., Abdul, I., Barnsley, N., & Ilan-Clarke, Y. (2022). Telling donor-conceived children about their conception: Evaluation of the use of the Donor Conception Network children's books. Reproductive BioMedicine and Society Online, 14, 1-7.

Mac Dougall, K., Becker, G., Scheib, J. E., & Nachtigall, R. D. (2007). Strategies for disclosure: How parents approach telling their children that they were conceived with donor gametes. Fertility and Sterility, 87(3), 524-533.

Schwartz-DuPre, R. L., & Sowards, S. K. (2024). Donors and disclosures: Rhetorical explanations of assisted reproductive technology and parenthood in children’s literature. In S. Haynes (Ed.), Refiguring motherhood beyond biology. Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781003311799-9

Strouse, G. A., Nyhout, A., & Ganea, P. A. (2018). The role of book features in young children's transfer of information from picture books to real-world contexts. Frontiers in Psychology, 9(50), 1-14. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00050