My Reflections on Father's Day as a Solo Parent of Donor-Conceived Kids

Father's Day used to be a straightforward celebration for me. As the child of cisgender, heterosexual parents who are still married, I never had to question who to recognize on this day. The people who contributed the sperm, egg, and uterus that resulted in my creation are the same people who raised me, the same people I still choose as my family today. But becoming a parent through donor conception has changed my perspective, making me reflect deeply on what it truly means to call someone family.

If you are like me, you probably haven’t thought much about the social privilege we have when our genetic family is also the family that raised us and the family we claim. This privilege ensures we know who to honor on Mother's Day or Father's Day, can easily fill out names on our family trees, know who to list as our next of kin on a form, and how to answer those pesky password reminder questions. As a parent via donor conception, I must recognize this privilege and actively create space for my kids shape their own understanding of family in a world that still defaults to the “traditional” family construct in which I grew up.

The truth is, we can't predict who our children will choose to call family. As parents, our role is to support them in figuring this out for themselves. We can teach them that family can be defined based on various factors, including genetics and love. We can help them appreciate the diverse family structures around us and understand that their concept of family may evolve over time. We can demonstrate that family can include people who are no longer in their lives or even folks they've never met.

These sorts of holidays can bring up complex emotions in many donor-conceived families, I've learned that these occasions also present valuable opportunities for growth and connection. When we approach these days with openness, honesty, and a willingness to hold space for our children's evolving feelings and questions, we model emotional intelligence and demonstrate our commitment to supporting their journey of self-discovery.

Here’s what we talk about on Father’s Day:

1. We discuss how Father's Day is a day to celebrate the love, care, and commitment that goes into being a family.

2. We explore the many ways to be a family, including our own family structure with one parent (a mom).

3. We talk about the men in our lives that we love, trust, and respect. (My kids often choose who they want to give their school Father’s Day crafts. Sometimes it’s me. Sometimes it’s their grandfather. Sometimes it’s our neighbor John.)

4. We remember that it takes three things to make a baby and that there are many words for the person the sperm came from, like genetic father. We discuss what we know about him, and I ask what they are curious about. We talk about the other children who share his genes and their families.

Above all else, I try to make sure my kids know that they get to decide who they call family, including deciding how their bio father fits into the picture.